


Detachable Penis

by MelaphyreX



Category: Ghost (Sweden Band)
Genre: (and fucking packing some serious schmeat), (but in very minimal amounts), (but we love them both greatly), (copia and iii spend an unnecessary amount of time exchanging banter over coffee), (copia/iii is mildly referenced/implied), Alcohol, Copia is Number One Rat Dad, Copia is Trans, Fluff and Humor, Lots of Penis Humor, M/M, Meanwhile Copia Is A Disaster, Papa III is a Little Shit, packers, trans shit written by a trans person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:48:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28213413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelaphyreX/pseuds/MelaphyreX
Summary: Copia gets separated from his penis when his morning routine is interrupted by the ever flamboyant and intrusive Papa Emeritus III. The rest of his morning is doomed to be chaos. There will be coffee drinking, chatting, cute rat shit, and dick measuring contests within these pages.Title is from the fantastic song of the same name by King Missile.
Relationships: Cardinal Copia/Papa Emeritus III
Comments: 10
Kudos: 20





	Detachable Penis

**Author's Note:**

> many thanks to my fellow trans friends who inspired this and with whom i had fun throwing ideas around for this with. and more thanks to all the other friends who helped me out in various ways with this. anyway uh yep, copia is a pretty cool trans guy. with how big copia being trans is as a headcanon, i expected there to be fics about this but alas not. so i hope i do him justice. enjoy! love yall!

Copia rubbed the crusts of sleep and the stubborn remnants of yesterday's makeup from his eyes, releasing a long yawn. He blinked his blurred vision back to normal and turned his gaze down at his clothing for the day which he'd laid out neatly on his bed. 

It felt too early to bother getting dressed. There didn't seem to be much of a point to doing that right away when he could enjoy standing here naked instead, save for his boxers, and do nothing until he absolutely had to put on the stuffy cassock and move on with the day.

He scratched his pudgy stomach and sighed, looking over at his several rat enclosures. He mustered a small smile for them. “Good morning, little ones.” They squeaked happily at him in response, a few clinging to the thin bars and poking their noses through the gaps.

Copia yawned again. “Hmm, I suppose I should get you some breakfast, eh?” This was met with more excited little squeaks. “Fine, fine, I'm coming,” he laughed. “Just let me stand here for another two seconds, or so. I’m still tired.”

It didn't take him long to complete their feeding routine. He took care to wish them each pleasant mornings but especially to Fudgeface, his hefty, white orb of a lad. He claimed he didn't have favorites and assured the other little ones he loved them all equally, but he had a secret soft spot for Fudgeface. He offered his finger to him, and Fudgeface readily took it in his tiny claws. “Good morning, my love,” he cooed. “I hope you have a wonderful day because you deserve it!”

Fudgeface tweaked his nose at him, which stirred a faint fluttering in Copia's chest. He quickly straightened himself back up, hoping the others had not noticed. “Well," he sighed solemnly. "I suppose I should get ready now.” This garnered no response now that all his rats were focused on eating away. He shook his head with a smile. “I guess that's a definite ‘yes’ then.”

He pulled open one of his dresser drawers and eyed the contents. After a second’s contemplation, he pulled out the first prosthetic penis that struck his fancy for the day. This one’s particular name was Bob, a ridiculous name, but it had amused him greatly at the time when he’d first gotten it. Certainly wasn’t anywhere near as terrible as the company-given name for it, at least. He carried it back over to his bed, tossing it up and catching it in his palm several times along the way. 

A knock came at the door of his clergy apartment in the form of seven rapid taps to an imaginary beat, startling him. “Ah shit,” he blurted, dropping Bob. _Who the fuck could that be,_ he wondered to himself as he bent over to grab his fallen dick from the floor.

“Good morning, Cardinal,” a voice sing-songed, incredibly audible despite being muffled by more than one wall.

Copia groaned. _“Papa.”_ He tossed his packer onto the bed and wrapped himself up in his large, fluffy red bathrobe, forsaking staying in his room and getting dressed first to go answer the door. The Third wasn't exactly known for his patience, after all. 

“Can I help you with something, Papa?” Copia said, opening the outer door just enough to peek his head out. Terzo stood before him, hands resting on his hips and a cheeky grin plastered on his face. His extravagant outfit and perfectly applied papal paint made Copia feel even more self-conscious about his appearance. He was certain his lack of makeup or groomed hair or any clothing beyond his bathrobe screamed “I just woke up.” 

Terzo narrowed his eyes to feline-like slits, brimming full of an amusement which also presented itself in his tone when he spoke. “No hello’s or good morning's, eh, Cardinal? Always straight to business? Can't a fellow simply stop by for a friendly chat now and then?”

Copia bit his lip, dipping his head. “Ah, eh, good morning. Forgive me, Papa. It's early, that's all.”

“No worries! All is forgiven, my Cardinal,” Terzo said, flashing him a warm smile. “Not much of a morning person, I take it?”

“Ehhh.” He shrugged.

Terzo nodded his head knowingly, then clasped and unclasped his hands to point past Copia into his quarters. “Mind if I come in? Join you for tea or something?”

Copia grimaced for a split second. “Papa, I'm not exactly… decent, at the moment. Perhaps if I could—”

“Bah, nonsense, Cardinal, I don't mind. You don't have to be ‘presentable’ or anything for my sake. ‘Tis just a visit between friends, sí?”

Copia sagged his shoulders slightly in defeat. There was little use in arguing. If Terzo wanted something, he wouldn't stop pressing until he got it. “Sí, of course, you're right, Papa.” He opened the door wide and gestured inside. “Come in.”

Terzo grinned at him and bowed. “Thank you, dear Cardinal. I would be honored to.” He cocked his head to the side and quite visibly looked over his body. “Besides,” he said, shaking his index finger in a circle at him. “I quite like the hairy chest look. You should show it off more often, you know. Very attractive.” With that, he skipped away past him without another word, leaving Copia to stand there stunned, face burning. Copia hurriedly bunched together the loose lapels of his robe over his chest and turned around to watch Terzo spin around his humble quarters.“ And I love what you've done with the place, Cardinal!” He plopped down onto Copia’s couch, making himself comfortable by propping his feet up on the coffee table.

Copia’s heavy blush was replaced with a frown but he made no comment. He turned away and rifled through his cabinets instead, shakily calling out to Terzo over his shoulder. “I'm, uh, more of a coffee drinker myself, so that's all I have if that's alright with you, Papa.”

“Oh, of course, I’ll be happy with whatever you have.”

While the coffee was brewing in the maker, Copia pulled out his bottle of Baileys Almande liqueur and the sugar bowl, carrying them to the coffee table. He set them down purposefully on the opposite end of the table away from Terzo’s shoes. 

Terzo glanced between him and the bottle. “Alcohol? In the morning, Cardinal?”

“Nobody is getting drunk from a spot of Baileys in their damn coffee,” Copia snapped, instantly regretting his tone.

“Of course not, I only jest.” Terzo lifted his hands up in mock surrender. He twitched his nose with a smirk and placed his hands back in his lap. “But I must ask. Almande? Why not Irish Cream or perhaps some other flavor?”

“This one’s dairy free.”

Terzo raised an eyebrow.

“I have an intolerance,” Copia explained.

“Ah, fair enough.” 

With that, Copia returned back to the kitchenette and stood on the tips of his toes in search of mugs from his cabinet. His hand bumped the World's Greatest Papa mug and he flushed, shoving it to the very far back, past the #1 Rat Daddy mug and the cock-and-balls shaped mug. He managed to find two plain, non-offending mugs that didn't have any quirky phrases or photos of Fudgeface printed on them and he presented them to Terzo back at the couch.

Terzo selected the pink one without much thought, leaving Copia to have the black one. “I'll be honest,” Terzo started. “I expected you to have more _eccentric_ taste in mugs.” 

Copia swallowed and laughed nervously. “I suppose I do have that… aura about me.” He scurried away before he could die anymore inside and checked on the coffee maker’s progress. He was thankful it still had perhaps a minute left to allow him to catch his breath.

Of course, Terzo was literally only a few yards away on his couch, observing him. Copia bared his teeth in a piss poor attempt at a smile. Terzo waved back innocently. Copia spun around and stared straight at his cabinets, hoping to find something distracting to make the seconds go faster. Alas he did not, but soon enough, he was bringing a fresh, steaming pot of coffee back to the coffee table anyway. He poured equal amounts into both of their mugs and set the pot aside on a hot pad. Then he took a seat in the cushiony sofa chair across from the couch, adjusting his bathrobe over his legs and ensuring his chest was suitably covered. 

Copia watched in horror as Terzo scooped an unholy number of spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee. And just when he thought things couldn't get worse, Terzo popped open the Baileys and poured an excessive amount in afterwards. “Maybe someone _will_ be getting drunk,” Copia grumbled under his breath, pulling the sugar bowl far away to his own side of the table.

Terzo raised his eyes up to look at him, face tilted down, his stupid floppy bangs hanging over his brows. “Heh, what can I say?” he chuckled. “I like my cream and sugar with a little coffee.”

“I can see that.” 

“I suppose next time I come over, I'll bring you a new bottle of Baileys to make up for how much of yours I've used.”

“Oh…” Copia looked up.”You don't have to do that, Papa.” Now he felt like an asshole. He really didn't have any excuses for being so rude to Papa, apart from maybe being separated from his dick for so long. This all certainly gave a new meaning to the term “cockblocked.” He shifted his legs uncomfortably.

“No, I'd be delighted to!” Papa chimed. “Might even ínclude a bottle of wine from my personal collection. You do like wine, yes?”

Yet another instance where Copia knew Papa wouldn't stop insisting. Pointless as always to argue, but to him, it felt impolite to not decline each proposition at least once before relenting. “Sí, of course,” he replied.

“Bien!” Terzo snapped his fingers. “It's settled then.”

Copia leaned back into his chair and stirred his coffee, which contained only the minimalist amounts of sugar and Baileys. “Thank you, Papa,” he said softly. 

Terzo nodded, grinning, and lifted the mug to his lips with such a delicacy that Copia couldn't help but wonder at it. He took a sip and sighed. “Perfetto, Cardinal. Semplicemente perfetto!” he exclaimed. 

Copia followed suit, significantly less exaggerated over his pleasure with the taste. He lowered the mug into his lap. “Mind if I ask what got you into the, eh, visiting mood this morning?” he asked, hesitantly.

Terzo set his mug down. “Boredom.” 

Copia blinked. “Boredom?”

“Yes, I'm bored out of my fucking mind.” With his classic over-dramatic flair, Terzo flopped backwards to lay on the couch, the back of his wrist coming to grace over his forehead. “Everything is so boring lately,” he whined. “Boring people. Boring work. Boring everything. Is just boring.”

“And you came to me…?”

_“Obviously.”_

“Doesn't that seem counteractive to solving boredom?”

Terzo sat up to frown at him. “Are you saying you're boring?”

“Uhh, sí,” Copia replied, with great hesitation.

Terzo stared at him in silence long enough to border on uncomfortable. Finally, he said, “I don't know who gave you the impression you're boring, but you're most certainly not, and especially not to me, Copia.”

Copia furrowed his brows. He hadn't expected Papa to take that so seriously or so personally. He didn't reply, not that he could form a response anyway, and he gazed down into his coffee, swirling it absentmindedly with his spoon.

As the seconds passed by, he worried that his silence could be considered offensive. Perhaps Terzo didn’t find him boring before but his lack of communication now certainly might be cause for reconsideration. He didn't wish to be a terrible—

_Thump!_

Copia shot his gaze in the direction of the sound but saw nothing out of the ordinary. He turned to Terzo who was looking back at him, a silent question hanging on his face. 

_Thump!_

They both searched for the source of the sound again. It came somewhere from Copia’s bedroom, that much was clear. Copia set his mug down on the coffee table and leaned forward to stand up just when the source finally came into view.

 _Thump!_ Fudgeface hopped once through the gap in the bedroom door, entering the rest of the apartment. But it was not only Fudgeface that entered the outer realms, _it was also Bob_ , whom Fudgeface was inexplicably towing along with him. Copia stopped fucking breathing and white-knuckled the armrest as if resisting against the pull of the void (although he certainly wished the void would claim his life anyway).

 _Thump!_ Fudgeface bounded again, Copia’s dick slapping against the wood floor when they landed. 

Copia didn’t dare turn to look at Terzo. It was only a mild reassurance that his silence seemed to indicate he was just as enraptured by the scene playing out before them. Together they watched Fudgeface and Bob continue their slow trek across the apartment, accompanied by soft thuds and weighted meaty plapping.

When the duo finally disappeared out of sight, Copia sank back into his chair slowly, painstakingly, as if afraid that moving any faster would draw Terzo's eyes to him. Unfortunately, it was too late to prevent that. He could feel those mismatched eyes boring into his skull from the couch.

He needed to release the breath he'd been holding, and in hopes that Terzo wouldn’t notice his change in breathing, he dragged out his exhale until it almost pained him to breathe out so slowly. Once he'd released it fully, it took everything within him to stop from gasping in that first fresh breath of air. 

“Wow, Cardinal. I didn’t know you were into that too. I actually have quite an impressive toy collection myself, you know.”

Copia almost fucking choked on the air molecules he was inhaling through his nostrils. 

“There's absolutely no shame in it. Really. It's something to be proud of, celebrated even. But of course, only if one is comfortable with that, sí?”

Copia could not _fucking_ do this. He needed to just evaporate into nothingness and cease to exist He _had_ to get out of here. Yielding up the ghost and resuming his coffee break in a place where no Papa Emerituses of the Third kind could be found seemed particularly appealing. But that was wishful thinking. In the least, maybe he should have just stayed in his damn room and pretended like he'd slept through Terzo's obnoxious knocking or something. 

“I should… go get my rat,” Copia breathed, rising to his feet. He did not look over but he was certain Terzo followed him with his gaze. 

“Don't forget your dildo, Cardinal!” Terzo chuckled behind him.

Copia tensed up before silently walking off to go retrieve Fudgeface, after thinking better of saying anything. He found the little rascal quickly enough, his wonky face tweaking up at him as if he’d committed no wrongs that morning. Copia pinched the bridge of his nose, weariness washing through his body to replace his frustration. Fudgeface simply had the kind of face he couldn't stay mad at for long. “What am I going to do with you, eh?” he sighed, scooping him off the floor into his cupped hands and tucking Bob under his arm, on the side away from Terzo. “Why must you make so much trouble, little one?” Fudgeface only blinked.

Copia leaned away from whispering to him when he came back within sight of Terzo. He paused before he entered his bedroom, Fudgeface wriggling in his palms. Terzo stood in front of the couch, hands clasped in front of his chest and his mug sitting on the table, his demeanor noticeably different.Copia spoke evenly to him. “Papa, I'm going to get dressed now. I should really be getting ready for the day, to be honest.” 

“Ah, of course,” Papa nodded. “ Sensible decision, Cardinal.” His lips seemed to want to continue speaking but nothing came out. He merely stood there, fidgeting his hands.

Copia wasn't prepared to say or hear anymore. He gave a dismissive nod in return and ducked into his room. After he quietly clicked the door shut behind him, he slumped against it, groaning deeply and squeezing his eyes shut.

_I'm so fucked._

**Author's Note:**

> pray to the dark lord i get the next and final chapter out in a timely manner lol. 
> 
> if you havent, go give the fic's title namesake a listen! https://youtu.be/7iJU-S8T0-k


End file.
